


Feels Like I'm Drowning

by manonlemelon



Series: If I Let You Go [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, I’ve been told this hurt like hell, Liam has a lot of feelings, M/M, Unhappy Ending, Writing This Hurt, mention of murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-04 17:22:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14597955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manonlemelon/pseuds/manonlemelon
Summary: Based on the song I Feel Like I'm Drowning by Two Feet. Liam has trouble accepting his developing feelings for Theo and the influence he start having over him.





	Feels Like I'm Drowning

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LovelyLittleGrim](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovelyLittleGrim/gifts), [Ithinkwehaveanemergency](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ithinkwehaveanemergency/gifts).



> For Amanda and Adri who asked for I Feel Like I'm Drowning by Two Feet ([Listen Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkVvG4QTO9M)) to be thiamed. Sorry it took so long!  
> A massive thanks to Sab as always for preventing this to be a total grammatical disaster.

After the war Theo had always been there, helping in his own way, even if the pack didn’t want him there, barely tolerating, not trusting and just using him when it was convenient. Everyone but Liam. He couldn’t help but gravitate around the chimera, there was something about him that fascinated him no matter how hard he tried to fight it. Maybe it was the darkness around him, maybe it was the way he always seemed to save him or maybe it was just the way he looked. Liam wasn’t stupid he knew that he was physically attracted to the guy, but to be honest who wouldn’t? It just couldn’t be anything else.

At first it was okay, he just kept the chimera at arm’s length despite always seeking him out. Which yeah, had been very confusing. But what else could he do? Every time he was around him he had this urge to pin him against the nearest wall and claim his mouth with his own, or to be pinned by him really, he didn’t have a preference as long as their mouths ended up on each other’s bodies.

The first time Theo had called him sunshine Liam had felt his heart skipping a beat and his face blushing. In that moment he knew he would never be able to be called like that by anyone else, ever. They couldn’t compare, wouldn’t have the right tone, the right voice, the right face. Sunshine was eternally Theo’s. It had happened out of nowhere, in the middle of a conversation where they had been bickering about who was the best superhero, it had felt so natural like it was meant to be said, like he was never meant to be called anything else than that by the chimera. After that, the way Theo always called him sunshine always made his heart flutter like nothing else.

But being near Theo only wrecked his heart and made him feel things he shouldn’t be feeling about the guy who had killed his alpha. There was something so enthralling about being the one person who was able to keep someone with dark instincts on the right path. But it was so much pressure, feeling like you had to be there every step of the way to make sure they didn’t fuck up. And the more time he spent with Theo the harder it was getting because the lines between right or wrong were staring to blur for him too. And the harder it got the more confusing his feeling became, he couldn’t deal with them, they were too much. Theo was too much, always had been. He knew deep down exactly what his feelings for the chimera were, he just wasn’t sure he was ready to face them, if ever.  
  
The first time he had slept with the chimera he knew deep down it would end badly. How could it not? It was Theo. He wasn’t a good guy even if sometimes he kind of tried to be in his own way. Liam knew the chimera felt something for him. The fact that he would do anything for Liam had been a big hint. The beta just wasn’t sure if Theo knew how to love. And he couldn’t risk his heart like that. Which was why it probably had remained like this between them, somewhat friends during the day, lovers during the night. But could you really call them being lovers when there were no feelings involved? Or at least when both parties pretend there weren’t? He knew Theo could feel that he would never be ready to admit his feelings out loud despite them being implied, and he was grateful that Theo didn’t mind and just played along, pretending they weren’t there.

  
The only problem was no matter what he couldn’t just stop, could help himself to let the chimera in night after night no matter how suffocated he felt in the daylight.

It’s like wherever he looked all he could see was Theo, haunting him, reminding him of everything that had happened. How he had murdered Scott, manipulated him. Saved him. Protected him. And he didn’t know what he was supposed to do. Supposed to feel. All he knew was it’s not that. The guilt was making him feel like he was drowning in his own feelings. How could he care for someone like Theo who always suggested murder as his go to solution. And Liam had been starting to see how it really was the easy way out, starting to think about it before Theo even opened his mouth to say the words. This terrified him to no end. He didn’t want to become who he felt he was starting to turn into. This person who was so influenced by the chimera that they had trouble differentiating wrong and right. Theo was a bad influence. And he was dragging Liam down with him. He had to do something but the idea of it scared him to death because no matter what he had been telling himself he had started to care for the chimera. And driving him away would hurt like hell. He would miss him more than he would ever be willing to admit. He didn’t think he was ready for that.

None of his friends really knew the extent of his relationship with Theo. They knew they were somewhat friends, as he was always helping, and they were hanging out, but they had no idea about the sleeping together, about the feelings that were involved even if they were left unsaid. The beta was afraid of their reaction if they were to ever find out because every single one of them still hated Theo, it was as if Liam was the only one who could see the change in the chimera since he came back. They never could understand why Liam was willingly around the chimera more than strictly necessary. But the beta never had been the best at handling his feelings on his own and he was starting to reach his breaking point. He was in desperate need of his best friend’s advice and with his feelings for Theo getting stronger and stronger every day he knew it was more than time. And that was how he ended up in Mason’s bedroom one afternoon, uttering the words that had changed his relationship with Theo from a dirty secret between the two of them into a relationship for which he sought advice for from his best friend.

“Mason. I... We need to talk.” And Liam finally let it all out relating what was really transpiring between him and Theo, hoping his friend wouldn’t judge and help him sort his feelings out because he couldn’t do it alone anymore.  
It stayed like that for a while, Liam struggling to accept his feeling despite Mason telling him it was okay every time they talked about it, that obviously Theo cared about him too and that he was trying and not so evil anymore. It was like a fragile balance waiting to be tipped one way or the other, one day it was going to change, and it will either end up in him getting so lost in Theo he won’t even be able to recognize himself anymore or in him having to do the hardest thing he will ever have to and the only thing that would be left would be  his broken heart.

One day the balance finally tipped and the decision was made for him, that fateful day he knew if he didn’t stop it now he would be lost forever. The day when everything changed, when his eyes changed. The day the chimera’s past came back to haunt him. He was recalling the day repeatedly in his mind, ever since it had happened, every single detail, trying to find something, a sign of what was to come, something he might had missed. But there was nothing, it all happened so fast. One moment he was with Theo, hanging out on the back of his truck, laying there under the stars, talking. He remembered the way Theo’s eyes lit up when he called him Sunshine while showing him constellations. He couldn’t remember which one because the only things he was focused on in that moment had been the sparkles in the chimera’s eyes and his soft smile.

The next moment, everything came to an abrupt end when a guy showed up, yelling at Theo to face him and about how he would make him pay for all the pain he had caused. He later learned that his name had been Matt and Theo had been responsible for him getting captured by the dread doctors. They had turned him into a wendigo chimera who had been then released with no control back to his family as part of an experiment. He had ended up killing his whole family by accident and blamed Theo for that. The next thing he knows Matt was pinning Theo down to the ground, claws out and hand raised about to rip the chimera’s throat out. Everything after that had been a blur, he remembered looking down at his hands and seeing them crimson red, liquid dripping. He remembered the look on Theo’s face, a mixture of pain, disbelief, amazement, guilt… Who knew the chimera could feel that much.

He remembered Theo taking him home, helping him to clean up and staying with him, words coming out of his mouth most likely about how it hadn’t been his fault, that it was an accident and that everything would be fine again. He remembered Theo helping him to bed and staying next to him until he had fallen asleep, remembered waking up hours later to Theo slipping back in through the window. Since he never heard anything about a body he assumed that’s when the chimera had taken care of it. The rest of the night had been spent being half awake in the arms of the other boy, he didn’t know if it was a dream or not, but he remembered Theo cradling his hair and kissing the top of his head while whispering reassuring words. And that was what made it so hard, he couldn’t even be mad at Theo because he was the only who kept him sane after it had happened, who understood. It’s not like he had told Liam to get over it or anything, it was like the chimera was in his head, understanding perfectly how much of what had happened meant to Liam. Knowing it couldn’t just be forgotten.

Theo was the one standing next to him, when he was standing in front of his bathroom mirror the morning after, holding his hand, telling him it will be okay while he was finding the strength to shift and open his eyes. Once he did and was met with icy supernatural blue and broke down. He remembered Theo saying he would trade their eyes if he could, and that made it somehow okay, knowing Theo would too do anything for him.

And whenever he tried to justify what had happened, he couldn’t even blame Theo, it had all been him, his actions, his decision. There had been nothing forcing him to save Theo, nothing but himself and his feelings, the knowledge that he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he let anyone die without trying to save them. That’s what he was telling himself, but the truth was he reacted on pure instinct when it had happened, it had been over before he could even realize what he was doing. Afterwards his brain had filled up the gaps with these lies but the truth was he just couldn’t handle Theo being dead because he loved him so much, too much, he loved him to the point where it consumed him completely.

Ever since that day he felt even worse than before, he felt like he couldn’t breathe, there was this weight on his chest. He felt like he was at the bottom of the ocean and the weigh was keeping him there, he couldn’t fight, couldn’t swim to the surface, all he could do was desperately trying to get rid of it and keep surviving.

He kept it to himself for a week, despite knowing it was dangerous, he could shift at any time and they would know. And it was eating him alive, keeping this secret. That was why he ended up in front of his best friend door’s at 1 am on a school night, waking him up with constant calling until Mason finally had guided him in his room where he broke down.  
“I killed someone Mason. For Theo. I don’t like who I am becoming, and I don’t know what to do.”

He whispered, tears in his eyes as they shifted to the icy blue that branded supernatural creature as killers, as he finally revealed what was happening with him to his best friend.  
“It’s as if I can’t be the best version of myself because Theo is like a weigh dragging me down. I think I love him and I’d do anything for him. It terrifies me because it’s Theo. Meaning anything is really anything. I already killed someone to protect him, and I’m scared of how much farther I could go. Sometimes I don’t recognize myself anymore It’s like I’m a stranger that’s drowning and no one can see it.”

Letting all of his feelings out felt strangely good but also hurt like hell, probably because Liam knew Mason wouldn’t allow Theo to hurt him like this even if it wasn’t intentional. The moment he had been standing in front of that door and had hit call under Mason’s contact was the moment he had lost Theo and he wasn’t ready. But he couldn’t stop the words from coming out, the truth to finally be set free and his deepest, darkest feelings to be shared with the one person he trusted them with.

“What terrifies me the most is that I don’t regret it, because it means Theo is still alive. And this will always be more important than anything else. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I just want to be happy and not only when I’m so lost in him that I forget about everything else.”  
“There is not much you can do except cutting Theo off. But you know that already. You’ve just needed someone to say it out loud.”

“I know. I’m just… I don’t think I’m strong enough to do it Mase. I can’t. Just the idea of him being gone hurts so bad I don’t think I could survive it.”

Mason had been spending the rest of the night reassuring the beta, promising to always be there, every step of the way, that he would never be alone and they would figure out how to tell the pack about his eyes, and how to deal with Theo, that whenever he was ready he would be right by his side when he let the older boy go.

Lately Liam had been so lost in his head, trying to finally find a way to let the words out to Theo, to make him understand how he was feeling but it was too hard and there were no right words. He had tried to write it down in his phone’s notes, but nothing had been working, words just weren’t happening, they never sounded right or enough. They never seemed to be able to convey everything he was feeling.  And no matter what song of the “problematic love” Spotify playlist was playing it wasn’t inspiring him. And it’s not like he could just google how to tell your somewhat murderer of a boyfriend that you love that you needed him to go away because it was killing you? He knew Theo would leave, because no matter what the chimera cared about him, probably cared the best way he could, and he wouldn’t want to taint Liam. He could feel Theo’s guilt already whenever the other boy wasn’t looking over what had happened.

Suddenly a song came on and Liam couldn’t believe it, it was as if it was made for him, explaining perfectly what he was feeling (minus the love he felt).

_I feel like I'm drowning_

_I'm drowning_

_You're holding me down and_

_Holding me down_

_You're killing me slow_

_So slow, oh-no_

_I feel like I'm drowning_

_I'm drowning_

_My life's okay_

_Yeah, just when you're not around me_

_My life's okay_

And if he couldn’t find the words whoever wrote that song sure as hell could. Liam was tired of thinking, tired of trying, tired of feeling this way he just needed to make it stop so he googled the youtube video of the song, sending the link to Theo. No other explanation would be needed the older boy would get it, that Liam was sure of. All he had to do now was waiting. And maybe the absence of love in the song would make it easier for the chimera if he believed the beta wasn’t so in love with him.

  
**Sent 8:50pm:**  <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkVvG4QTO9M>  
**Received 8:55pm:** I get it. I’ll leave town tonight.  
Liam, if you ever need help you can always call. 

  
And that was it. But Liam didn’t feel the relief he had expected, he just felt empty.  
The only times he had heard from Theo again was when he changed his number, always making sure the beta was able to reach him in case of emergency. And when Liam did, Theo showed up dealt with the problem and disappeared into the night the minute it was over. He never asked for anything except if Liam was okay and happy, the beta knew better than to ask back.  
Each time Theo came back to help Liam was reminded of how much he loved Theo, how deeply he felt and how easy it was to just fall back into old habits, yearning for him to utter that word which he had missed hearing more than anything else even if he never did, breathing him in and losing himself in the perfection that was Theo. He had also been reminded of how it felt being around him, how oppressing it felt and how it would always drag him down, Theo would always trigger him to be the version of himself he liked the least except from IED episode Liam. So no matter how much he was missing him he knew in his heart that Theo leaving was what had been best for him. No matter how much it was hurting him, how harder and harder it was getting each time to watch him walk away, getting in his truck and driving into the night without looking back. He never asked him to stay.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed, this will be part of a serie I'm planning to do Theo's pov of the events for the song day of thaim week in june (the 19) and after that I'll do one more part also from Theo's pov relating what happens to him after he leaves.  
> Feel free to yell your feelings at me in the comments or elsewhere!


End file.
